A powerful part of communicating is to let other people know we really listened and care about what they are saying. Below are 3 types of listening along with tips to consider… they may be especially helpful to keep in mind during upcoming holiday gatherings!

• The first is subjective. Everyday listening is usually subjective, and usually occurs when whatever is said is heard through the experiences of the listener and/or as it relates to the listener, e.g. answering based on how you would handle the situation.

• The second level is objective listening. In this case, the listener is completely focused on the other person, but it really doesn’t get at the heart of the matter.

• The third level is called intuitive listening, and it means listening with all sensory components. Not just hearing what they’re saying, but also hearing how they saying it: the tone of voice, energy, feelings, and even what ISN’T being said. This is the most powerful form of listening, when mastered, allows you to really connect with the other person.

  
  

Something else to consider along with the 3 types of listening is how we’re listening. Are we listening to respond or listening to understand?

Listening to respond means you’re coming up with a response while the other person is still talking. Listening to respond can be self-centered and lead to miscommunication.

On the other hand, listening to understand means you focus on what the speaker is saying and try to understand what they’re trying to communicate. Listening to understand can help you build relationships, solve problems, and learn new things. Listening to understand helps the speaker feel truly heard.

A key element in listening to understanding is to try and avoid being judgmental. Instead, try to focus on understanding the speaker’s perspective and why they feel the way they do. We can do that by acknowledging and validating:

Acknowledging lets the other person know we really heard them, and we can demonstrate that through a deep level of mirroring back or paraphrasing. For example: “I’m hearing you say…” or “In other words.”

Validating lets the other person know they have the right to feel the way they do. We validate feelings and emotions (not right or wrong/agree or disagree); we’re letting them know you can see things from their perspective. Possible approaches for validating: “It’s understandable that you feel that way because (tell them why)” or “You have every right to feel that way.” By the way, I try not to say, “I know how you feel” (because I really don’t), and I also try to avoid giving advice. The speaker might not need my help to figure things out.

An approach I’ve found helpful in letting someone know I’m here to support them is to ask: Do you want me to listen, or do you want advice? Often, people don’t want a solution. They just want to talk or vent. By clarifying expectations up front along with intuitive listening, we can offer better support and strengthen connection.